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I'm wondering when is it that this supposed "adulthood" kicks in because I still don't feel it... Or maybe i'm not recognizing it.  For one thing I have felt the overwhelming pressure of responsibility sometimes but it's not all consuming. I think I am waiting for the all consuming. I haven't realized that its okay for it not to be all consuming. Oh well this is just a ramble of a piece that means absolutely nothing and nothing that means absolutely everything. And Publish.

Waiting for Empty

My brain is going a million miles a second trying to distinguish what I want to be true and what is true.  It's that age old tyring to get my emotional pain body to stfu and seeing a situation for what it really is. So the basis of everything is that I an extremely over reacting "extremely" being the cautionary adjective to describe my ever present crazy mind. Words thoughts phrases grammar scratch that. Who ready needs a period anyway. This us what you call free writing just letting your thoughts hit paper or in this case keyboard without thought or judgment and then it's that lag to hit publish should the thoughts swimming in my head be published and do I have the courage to back then up that is the question.  For now i'm running in empty no emotions no feelings no attachments so I can properly let go of theses conflicting and disturbing thoughts colliding in the vast space that is my mind and allow myself to experience something amazing. For now this is the first publishing from my phone and I'll probably go back on my laptop and correct this but u kinda like it that it's one long ass run on sentence.

Over the Hump I Went

How apropos 'cause today is hump day also... hmm.. either way:  I have recently (today) discovered this long forgotten blog that I swore I was going to diligently chronicle my extreme mental breakdown into turning 30.  

 Pssht- that did not work out great. 

I think I got caught up in life and work and being perpetually happy or miserable or or having moments of extreme bliss and agony all at the same time while keeping a stoic expression plastered on my face... cause that's how i roll. 

 

And pretty soon I found myself counting down towards 2012 at my home with the family slowly sipping that grocery store bought champagne. The realization that I was turning 30 in 5 months hit as soon as the bells struck 12. I still remember that feeling: slow, steady sense of suffocation; an impulsive and sporadic desire to flee; and the constant re-examination of my life choices (where I was, where I thought I would be and where I actually am).  I had decided that since I'm turning 30 anyway I might as well do all the things I deprived myself of doing throughout my 20s for some stupid reason or another and just do them and get out of it so that i can atleast say full of conviction "Yeah, I use to do that in my 20s." Childish, I know but I went ahead with the plan anyway.  

TOTAL DEBAUCHERY MODE MARY

Or so I thought, It was pretty tamed for a while there because again LIFE, its lemons and many reminders and responsibilities that I had to take care of didn't allow for such frivolous expenditures of time. And so it went on for a couple of months there where it was the status quo for the days activity up unit March 12th came around. That was the day one of my best friend turned 30 and all of the sudden this clock that had been dormant since the bell tolls ringing in the New Years Day decided to go on Double Time-- Super Mario Star Mode if you will -- and March became April, April exploded into May and I kid you not I felt ever single second of those 67 days.  Needless to day Total Debauchery Mode Mary kicked in the minute she turned 30. For anything and everything I would say yes and go.  Karaoke- sure.  Bar Hopping - you bet.  Chemically enhanced experiences - you bet. If these were the last days of my 20s, the decade where I was shaped and molded and broken and stitched back together into the person I am today then by golly I was going to LIVE IT UP like I hadn't been doing in the 2 years prior.  

Turning 30. 

(BTW: the Picture above is on my actual Birthday) 

Anyway National Mary Week (that's right I celebrate my birthday for a Week, because I'm awesome) commenced and I must say that was a lot of fun. Everyone who usually stayed home came out to celebrate my entering the 30 something crowd (wowsers). And my brain finally calmed down the minute the bell tolled 12 on my day. Everything seemed such a non-issue at that point. I had turned 30 and all the maybes and woulda coulda shoulda and glass half empty just went away. The age of indecision has gone and all I have ahead of me are new adventures to be had. So what if most of my gf have babies, are married (or the hispanic equivalent of that) and I'm still single and baby-less... all that mean is that I was smart enough in my 20s to know what a condom was and used it properly, practiced abstinence like a devout nun and am way too picky to settle. I'm actually excited about being 30 without these attachments because it means that unlike most people I know-- I did something right.  

Anyway that was my rant/review/ramble (whatever) to bring this blog up to speed. Pretty much this blog picked up where I left off in my MySpace Blog but more on that later.