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I'm wondering when is it that this supposed "adulthood" kicks in because I still don't feel it... Or maybe i'm not recognizing it.  For one thing I have felt the overwhelming pressure of responsibility sometimes but it's not all consuming. I think I am waiting for the all consuming. I haven't realized that its okay for it not to be all consuming. Oh well this is just a ramble of a piece that means absolutely nothing and nothing that means absolutely everything. And Publish.

Waiting for Empty

My brain is going a million miles a second trying to distinguish what I want to be true and what is true.  It's that age old tyring to get my emotional pain body to stfu and seeing a situation for what it really is. So the basis of everything is that I an extremely over reacting "extremely" being the cautionary adjective to describe my ever present crazy mind. Words thoughts phrases grammar scratch that. Who ready needs a period anyway. This us what you call free writing just letting your thoughts hit paper or in this case keyboard without thought or judgment and then it's that lag to hit publish should the thoughts swimming in my head be published and do I have the courage to back then up that is the question.  For now i'm running in empty no emotions no feelings no attachments so I can properly let go of theses conflicting and disturbing thoughts colliding in the vast space that is my mind and allow myself to experience something amazing. For now this is the first publishing from my phone and I'll probably go back on my laptop and correct this but u kinda like it that it's one long ass run on sentence.

Over the Hump I Went

How apropos 'cause today is hump day also... hmm.. either way:  I have recently (today) discovered this long forgotten blog that I swore I was going to diligently chronicle my extreme mental breakdown into turning 30.  

 Pssht- that did not work out great. 

I think I got caught up in life and work and being perpetually happy or miserable or or having moments of extreme bliss and agony all at the same time while keeping a stoic expression plastered on my face... cause that's how i roll. 

 

And pretty soon I found myself counting down towards 2012 at my home with the family slowly sipping that grocery store bought champagne. The realization that I was turning 30 in 5 months hit as soon as the bells struck 12. I still remember that feeling: slow, steady sense of suffocation; an impulsive and sporadic desire to flee; and the constant re-examination of my life choices (where I was, where I thought I would be and where I actually am).  I had decided that since I'm turning 30 anyway I might as well do all the things I deprived myself of doing throughout my 20s for some stupid reason or another and just do them and get out of it so that i can atleast say full of conviction "Yeah, I use to do that in my 20s." Childish, I know but I went ahead with the plan anyway.  

TOTAL DEBAUCHERY MODE MARY

Or so I thought, It was pretty tamed for a while there because again LIFE, its lemons and many reminders and responsibilities that I had to take care of didn't allow for such frivolous expenditures of time. And so it went on for a couple of months there where it was the status quo for the days activity up unit March 12th came around. That was the day one of my best friend turned 30 and all of the sudden this clock that had been dormant since the bell tolls ringing in the New Years Day decided to go on Double Time-- Super Mario Star Mode if you will -- and March became April, April exploded into May and I kid you not I felt ever single second of those 67 days.  Needless to day Total Debauchery Mode Mary kicked in the minute she turned 30. For anything and everything I would say yes and go.  Karaoke- sure.  Bar Hopping - you bet.  Chemically enhanced experiences - you bet. If these were the last days of my 20s, the decade where I was shaped and molded and broken and stitched back together into the person I am today then by golly I was going to LIVE IT UP like I hadn't been doing in the 2 years prior.  

Turning 30. 

(BTW: the Picture above is on my actual Birthday) 

Anyway National Mary Week (that's right I celebrate my birthday for a Week, because I'm awesome) commenced and I must say that was a lot of fun. Everyone who usually stayed home came out to celebrate my entering the 30 something crowd (wowsers). And my brain finally calmed down the minute the bell tolled 12 on my day. Everything seemed such a non-issue at that point. I had turned 30 and all the maybes and woulda coulda shoulda and glass half empty just went away. The age of indecision has gone and all I have ahead of me are new adventures to be had. So what if most of my gf have babies, are married (or the hispanic equivalent of that) and I'm still single and baby-less... all that mean is that I was smart enough in my 20s to know what a condom was and used it properly, practiced abstinence like a devout nun and am way too picky to settle. I'm actually excited about being 30 without these attachments because it means that unlike most people I know-- I did something right.  

Anyway that was my rant/review/ramble (whatever) to bring this blog up to speed. Pretty much this blog picked up where I left off in my MySpace Blog but more on that later.

The Question is: Who WOULD Win?

I was surfing around the web the other day instead of going to my usual stops (Facebook, Twitter, Fan sites) when I came across this questions that made my day. To understand the question I have to explain that I am a bit of a nerd; I have the immense capacity to geek. That being said the question was : Who would win in a fight: Harry Potter, Katniss Everdeen or Edward and Bella Cullen?  

Yes, this is a fandom smack down. 

Now before I answer the question, I had to let you know that I have read All of these series (Harry Potter all seven, Twilight all four, and Hunger Games trilogy).  Loved the HP series, Hated the Twilight (more on that later), Loved the Hunger Games (even more about that later).  

But I really thought this question through because I didn't want my bias towards HP to come through: Who would win in a fight?  I started thinking about the points of each character involved in this question. 

Starting with Edward and Bella Cullen: First, the only way to kill a vampire, as per the world of Twilight, is to burn them... ripping them apart and burning the pieces is not a requisite (dispite what was said in the movie) as is proven by the death of Irini in Breaking Dawn that the later is not really necessary. Second, they have gift: Edward is a mind-reader and Bella has the ability to protect against psychological attacks (attacks on the mind, the psyche, not the brain). Third in order to kill a vampire you have to be able to catch them and they have speed on their side. But there are obvious flaws because although Edward is older, he's also a skilled fighter whereas Bella is not. The fact that they are each others bait, meaning have one in danger or close to dead danger and the other one loses their mind as they are perpetually teenagers frozen in time. 

Next I considered Katniss Everdeen. In order to consider an even fight it was mentioned that both Katniss and Harry should have their pick of allies to complete a twosome (just like the Hunger Games lol) so I thought this one through. The obvious choice on everyone's response was Peeta and I thought yeah yeah Peeta he's strong, he's handy with knives but he's also a PACIFIST. He doesn't like war; he'd probably pull out some nightlock berries and threaten to kill himself or get all political and try to work the situation out. So I opted for Gale.  Gale is a long-range fighter and in order for them to have an option to live through this battle royale both Katniss and Gale will have to keep their distance. They will also need those fancy bows and arrows that Beetee made for them.  There strength is that they have cool heads in the face of danger, Gales ability to strategize and maximize their short comings will keep Katniss alive.  Their weakness is that  they are completely human.  They won't be able to outrun the Cullens'. And even though they are hunters the noise they would make would still be discernible by the Cullens'. Their survival in my equations is to become allies with H/H in order to get the Cullens' and then the alliance is broken. 

Finally, I thought of Harry Potter. The obvious choice for an ally would be Hermione Granger.  For one she's still alive, Dumbledore is dead and he would let Harry figure it out on his own. Sirius is dead and he's too impulsive. And Ron, even though he is Harry's best mate, he's not that good with spells. Besides if you're in a tight spot, you need Hermione! 

Next I considered their strengths: for one with magic they can make themselves completely invisible to all senses, untraceable, un-catchable and extremely deadly to their foes.  Their weakness only shows when seperated as Harry even though he is good in his own right in weilding a wand, he depends TOO much on Hermione and he has this inane desire to want to save everyone.  

So Now on to WHO I THINK WOULD WIN.... in all scenarios that have swam through my head, the edge belongs to Harry Potter and Hermione Granger hands down. 

Scenario #1: Target numero uno would be the Cullens' because again the speed, so Harry (or Hermione, most likely Hermione) would slow down their incoming enemy with an impediment jinx, imobilus charm or a well aimed full body bind curse. To Get around Edwards mind reading, they would have to do occlumency so he wouldn't be able to read their mind. Then once the Cullens' are frozen in place a simple incendio or explosion curse and we say Bye Bye to the most whiny teenage couple since Romeo and Juliet (again more on that later). To protect themselves from Katniss and Gale-- hello invisibility cloak. Then in order to find Katniss and Gale a simple "Humenum Revelio" would lead Harry and Hermione to them. A well place imperius curse makes them fight each other -- Boom Harry and Hermione Win. 

Scenario #2: Katniss lets off a bomb filled with needles points that are filled with tracker jacker vemon. The pins graze off the Cullens; Hermione was able to deflect most of them but one hits Harry. The HG tributes become target numero #1 and the Cullens go after them. While Hermione nurses Harry the best she can; Katniss and Gale send fire and bomb arrows in quick succession toward the Cullens projected path.  Because of their speed, the Cullens' reach them in minutes and they are dead within shortly their after. Bella had take a bomb to the arm but insist she can still fight.  So Now its up to Harry and Hermione vs Edward and Bella. Edward leaves Bella behind and goes after Harry and Hermione (but not one to follow orders no matter how good the advice always is she doesn't listen to him and follows him in stealth, or so she thinks.) Harry, succumbing the the infinitesimal amount of tracker jacker venom believes Edward is really an inferius Cedric Diggory and protects himself with a ring of fire before Edward can reach him. Hermione immobilizes Edward and sends flame arrows from her wands. As Bella reaches the clearing shes see Edward engulfed in flames. Dragging Harry away from the scene, Bella gives chase but Hermione disaparates with Harry and apparates directly behind Bella and shoots her down too.   In this scenario Hermione wins because Harry is not completely insane until the can get the venom out him.

I've worked out many scenarios in my head but the advantage to the Harry Potter becomes more and more apparent.  Because Bella's sheild only covers psycological attacks so that leaves out the confundus & memory charms, illusions imperius curse but not the cruciatus or aveda kedavra that affects the physiological body (you know how she's not immune to Jasper's ability).  And again Katniss and Gale are impeded by their humaness so the edge belonds to Harry potter. 

Well I've geeked enough for this post.

Ageless Battle of Age

I find this question of battle really funny.  When we were younger, we use to lord over other children how old we were because it made us superior.  Even if it was by a couple hours or a couple of days, being older somehow made you superior and we relished in it. Through the eyes of a child this is the ultimate height of cool. I am older and you are still the young one because our parents were constantly reminding us that because they are the older ones they make the rules ergo we make the rules because we were older. 

Then came pre-teen and its every changing hormones where time seemed to be going by with the speed of the last bit of molasses traveling down a bottle. Each minute of each hour felt like an eternity with no end. And it traveled by so jammed packed with "drama" and ultimatums. Tears and elation in the same 60 second span. It had the ability to just drag on by or zip faster than a fly getting sucked into a fan.  Hormones, you had to love that rush of first love and first hate. Jealousies and competition. Betrayals and Revenges. All the plots to pass time seem like something straight of a movie and meticulously executed so as to have something to talk about. 

And then you graduate high school and time seems to stand still. Because for the last 12 years of your life you had to adhere to a schedule of learning and instruction and now the time is yours to do with as you wish just as you've always dreamed and you find out that its not all it was cracked up to be. It was easier to be in school wishing to be out because at least you had something to look forward too... Now you have to figure it out on your own and no one is giving you an instruction on how to do that.  Some people step up to the challenge to carve out their own "idea" on how to get it some falter under the immense responsibility.  some fall right in the middle. 

Hi, I'm one of those lost in the crowd right in the middle. 

Each milestone of life seems to bring a new set of questions. 

At fifteen, you can't wait to be 18; a legal adult in the US. I can buy cigarettes now, I can vote, my voice and opinion is said to matter at 18 because I am no longer legally deemed a child... but that doesn't mean that my mind still isn't childish.

At eighteen, you feel the weight of this imposed "adultness" but milk it for all its worth... until you find the repercussions of it. Your also waiting for 21, because if being 18 was the height of cool with its cigarettes and its voting, at least at 21 you were legally able to drink. And even though you were doing it anyway, you could at least buy your own drink without having to rely on the someone else. 

At 21, you don't really think much about life but the moment. Everyday is lived in the moment and there are many moments as the hormones that started at 13 are still as rampant at this age as they were when they first started, if only a little subdued but not a noticeable amount.  

Its not until you reach 25 when that haze leaves you and you wonder 'how the fuck did I get here and did I invest my time wisely?', 'was I taught to invest my time wisely?' and 'what did the first 5 years of my twentys teach me?', if they taught me anything at all. the only thing to look forward too at 25 is the ability to rent cars in the states. But you also realize something at 25, that the time that seemed to lag in your teens and early 20s has started to pick up speed. And suddenly its no longer "cool" to be older, you find yourself yearning for the days when the minutes dragged by and the most important decision you had to make the whole day was what to have for lunch and who are you crushing on at the moment and did i finish my homework for Science class.  Now its all about your bills and credit score and savings account and traveling and finding love and losing love and making sense of this mixed up matched up world. Run on sentences and cloudy nights of heavy petting. 

25 turns to 26 in a blink of an eye. And eventually you are 29 years old wondering how the fuck is in 2011 when my heart and my mind is still in 2008.

Its 342 days till i turn 30 and I am trying to figure out if I am okay with my life lessons so far or if I'm bitter about the choices I made consciously and unconsciously.  Have i truly loved and let myself be loved or have I been hiding behind the veil. Have I lived my life or let life be lived as a bystander instead of the driver. 30 is a big deal. 30 life was suppose to make sense and children are involved a marriage a happy career and I'm looking at the 525600 minutes counting down to my 30th birthday and screaming my head into the abyss that the clock of life has never tick-tocked so loudly in my life. 

Age is a number that means different things to different people. To me, its a milestone I for one thought I wasn't going to reach, and now I am finding out I am not prepared to reach. Mentally, physically emotionally. 

Tick Tock goes the clock and I am screaming in terror.  

And then there was one... (Hunger Games)

I literally could not put the book (eBook) down... like at all. Its been a while, like a really long while, like since I first read HP3 Prisoner of Azkaban in 2003, that I've picked up a book and become completely enthralled by this alternate world. Its everything and nothing and so much more complicated and yes there is a love story in there but its so minute and overshadowed by all the other events that its its own nonentity amidst the greater scale. 

To top it all off I have been excited about book since the Potter series because most of the Young Adult contemporaries I have read so far has been drivel in comparison (yes this is a direct attack on Twilight). This has been so ... just so... I have to finish Catching fire and then I'll write another lol 

BTW 349 days till I turn 30.

Oh My Alien (351 Days)

I'm still wondering if I am going to actually be keeping this up until I turn 30 but here we go anyway. I figure this is a nice and easy way to purge myself of all the impurities of my life and but it out there in space where someone will find this somewhat semi interesting and turn it into a t.v. movie  or something. If this should ever happen I want hmmm I still have to think about who'd I'd like to play me because the person i choose is the most likely the person I would like to be or the person I see myself as being.

Today or more aptly yesterday, was my baby sister's graduation from my old Alma mater (high school). I'm not a college graduate I never figured out what I could do or would do with college and I'm never been able to waste money so frivolously on education. For one thing I took college algebra and was appalled by the curriculum I mean imaginary numbers and parabollas?!? If its imaginary numbers than the answer is infinite as it doesn't exist and the curvature of projected item is not something I need to know and would have inevitably useless information I would have for no reason. 

So I've been working through my 20s going in and out of school always changing my mind because I didn't have a plan and one thing I hate is not having a plan. So finally last year I got a plan. I finally know what I can go to learn and pay for this education and I know that I will be able use it to my ability furthermore I know that it will make me insanely happy. I am going to the French Culinary Institute to become a chef. 

At first I was going to go to France but those plan fell through lord knows if that lady was for real about being able to get me to France to go to school for free but for now I am going to New York.  That is the plan and I am nothing if not efficient once I have a plan.

So today for some reason on Netflick I started watching the Ancient Alien series from the History Chanel (love it) and I have to admit I believe that all of our growth and 7 wonders of the world has been constructed by aliens because there is no way that the technology that is said to be had today that can not reproduce these marvels and the power of a thousand men or tens of thousand of men can not lift, move or transport 1000 tons (that's over I million pounds) of mountain rock. There is absolutely no way.   Plus is think its highly selfish for use humans to think we are the only living creature with intelligence when our own intelligence is highly limited and with only the function of less than 10% of our brains.  I'm getting to uppity about this but still it has to be said.  So to close out the night I am watching star trek cause you know its phenom!